The pandemic has literally been kicking my ass mentally. I try to think of the positive, but my week has been filled with negatives, Hearing people find happiness with their partners, having NYU rip me off dorming wise, and not working right now has been making me feel so shitty.
NYU’s Terrible Covid-19 Housing Arrangements
I’ve been pretty emotional this week and although I am still heartbroken, I more so want to move on rather than ever returning to a place where I was broken. And hearing about NYU putting me in a double with a stranger during quarantine for the same price as a person living in a single was icing on the cake for my anger. Don’t get me wrong I was considering not dorming this year, but I also wanted to make it a possibility considering it will be my last time being independent before moving back home. Plus, I’m a senior who also craves social interaction.
Everything on campus will be closed. But, I may have liked my potential new roommates, meet someone while doing laundry, bump into a cute boy in the elevator, I don’t really know. But, my chances of creating new and precious memories with people are a lot higher than my chance of meeting people here at home. Yet, the way NYU is ripping me off, it seems like dorming this fall is not an option. Like seriously, not only did they randomly unverify my group and not email us, but they are really charging me 8k for a double and having people live in singles for the same price. Like wtf and I have to decide in 2 days? I guess I should consider myself lucky since a number of people haven’t even gotten their assignments yet.
Thinking about this truly bothered me yesterday because it seems to be a common pattern where whenever I want to improve myself or escape my environment I am rejected or screwed over. The DMV wouldn’t allow me to take my written tests, my program at Cali kicked us out, Sony only lasted for a month, I was dumped, and now my hope towards finding joy in dorming is practically non-existent now.
And I hate doing blogs like this because I come across as ungrateful, but Covid-19 has literally took every resource that would allow me to cope and escape my environment at home. I feel like I have some sort of bad luck or something as I compare myself to people around me. Also since the Naya Rivera case, I just feel this bad energy this year. Everything is so negative and tragic with the deaths this year. It’s been making me paranoid. I kid you not, where is the good news? This shitty president doesn’t help at all. It doesn’t feel like fate is on our side.
To My Pinterest Commentators….You Have A Point
So I’ve been noticing a particular pin that I posted last year has been getting a few negative comments. The pin basically said, “Storms don’t last forever”. People have been saying they only pass by smiling, the storm never passed for them, etc. As positive as I love to be, there are many moments where I hit rock bottom especially mentally. Now I have had breakdowns followed by blessings. But, it’s extremely hard to feel hopeful especially now, hence this rant.
And like one of the commentators said, even though the storm doesn’t last forever, the damage can be permanent. For example, my breakup has left me damaged. I think about it a lot considering I’m alone with my thoughts all day. And no matter how much you really do focus on yourself, sometimes you just want someone to want you and comfort you. I will always love and want love.
And honestly hearing my taken friends talk about “finding yourself” only helps to an extent considering they admit themselves that their relationships are their “escapes” and path to “joy”. And don’t get me wrong it is crucial to focus on yourself, but sometimes you just want to have fun especially when you see everyone around you is happy with a partner while you single and bitter. I find it hypocritical, when your taken friends are giving you advice on your loneliness. And even with the whole covid situation, we are going to have permanent damage afterwards. Regardless of how shitty things are, I know I will make better memories in the future that I look forward to. Still, I understand the depression people feel because look at me now.
Exactly a year ago, I’ve decided to take a social media break and the toxicity all together. I see too much tragedy on the internet or I see people having lives that I envy to be honest. I’ve decided to do that but by taking it a step further. I decided to just ditch my phone for many days, maybe check it once in a few days. But, for the most part I will go the majority of the week without looking at my phone. Don’t get me wrong I’ll still be on social media, but barely. I’ve given a lot of power to my phone after the break up, during this virus to a point where I feel disconnected from myself. I’m at the point where I don’t want to be bothered and I don’t want to know about anybody’s life. Harsh, but this is my mood now.
I like to be honest on my site. I am honored that my blog is able to help people out and get the views it gets. Going through a heartbreak isn’t easy, going through this pandemic is terrible, and I’m sure a bunch of college students are stressed out now. I am never going to pretend or write for views on my site. Trust me, you will read about my struggles because at the end of the day, I’m human and I want someone to relate to the real me. I go through it too and we all are in this struggle together.