I feel like I’ve been lying about returning back to my baby. I expected to return full force this year and invest more time into my blog, but then life just happens. And it’s not that anything bad has happened that has kept me away from this blog. In fact, life has been pretty good for the most part and my laziness is an aspect to blame. But, as you can see by this title, there’s a few conflicting emotions that I have to get off my chest. And the best way to do that is to retreat to my online space.
My main inspiration for this blog came from a stressful week of work and a common theme amongst my friends. And there’s not much on this list that will be surprising. In fact this whole blog may suffer from a lack of organizing because it will be me just venting. But these thoughts have been in my mind for a while and I’m happy to finally have them down.
The Independence is 🔥🔥🔥
I absolutely love my independence and moving to California was hands down on of the bravest and best things I’ve done for myself. I currently have my own apartment and I love how its all mine. As much as I love my home back in NY, I’m not granted with the same privacy I have as my place here. I love having a mall across from me, groceries being delivered to my door, people staying over without having to ask permission, me dancing drunk or getting high on a Friday night. It feels great knowing that this roof is all mine.
And because I already had a handful of friends out here and a few planning to move out here as well, I feel like I’m at a different level in my life. I find myself actually going out more versus when I was in NYC. A huge part is because the weather here is constantly sunny and another part of it is because my friends out here love going out! It feels like I have my own family out here. Luckily, I’m no longer suffering from loneliness nor shifting through that phase of adding more friends to my circle.
Lastly, the money is fucking amazing. I’m a bit over 2 months into my new job and the pay is higher than my last which helps out significantly. Plus with the benefits added, it feels like I have a bit of security for any unfortunate times. With this in mind, I’m still able to help out at home with any bills, while living comfortably and treating myself when I do go out. I’m never really insecure about money except when it comes to the holidays, like mothers day lol which is super soon 🤧. And even with that, I do think saving money is something I have to get better at out here, but thank goodness I’m never really “broke”. In fact, there’s good wiggle room. Still with all of this, there’s an odd anxiety to all this that can actually be a huge con.
The Independence is also scary
As a girl with a low income family, moving out here also meant that I would not have any back up if god forbid anything happens. Like yes I have my friends to help me out, but in terms of finances, I’m pretty much on my own. My family has a few debt problems on their own that I am trying to tackle myself. They probably can, but it would be more of a burden to squeeze any financial help from them and my pride would prevent me from ever asking. I’m thankful I moved out here with a whole lot savings especially when I was going through that major time of not working.
Still, it’s scary knowing that if god forbid anything happens to you and you can’t work, get injured, etc, you are essentially screwed. I don’t have mommy and daddy money like most people have out here in LA ☕️. On top of that, I’m navigating things for the first time that I never had to tackle before. Taxes, 401k, healthcare, etc. I’m glad the internet exists to help me navigate these issues, but these letters in the mail are a pure reminder of “oh shit, I’m an adult for real”. And hearing my friends having full breakdowns over the phone about the lack of security this city can drive you into can be depressing.
Lastly, work stress is fucking real. As a worker in the corporate world, you are stuck with long hours, blame, annoying tones, and in office politics. And although my job is a far better improvement than my last, it still has its flaws. Every assistant on the team is essentially new kinda like chickens with their heads cut off, and the place can be a bit disorganized. Of course this leads to miscommunication, mistakes, and the inevitable stress that has been haunting me. This also leads to burn out which I’ve felt a few times. And it’s been a running theme with all my friends feeling financially insecure, stuck, dealing with so much crap from work. And this gave me a scary realization that I have to do this to sustain myself the next 30 something years.
Is Adulting Good Or Bad
For the most part, I love adulting! I love everything I have in my life right now and I do feel like I live a more privileged life as well. I am always grateful of the blessings I have now, and I continue to manifest these blessings to become abundant in my life.
However, at the same time, I’ve been experiencing more ongoing stress much related to work. Then there are the other stressors such as family life back home that haunt me as well. It has actually caused more anxiety to a point where my drinking and me getting high has skyrocketed in order to cope. Mainly the getting high and now that I think about it, drinking has actually been pretty minimal for me. And I know many people get high on the daily and it’s been normalized. In fact even people drinking everyday after work has been normalized. But I personally want to find a balance it dealing with these stressors. I never want to be too dependent on anything.
I am on the hunt for some new counseling so I know that will be a great start to get back on the right track. As I’m writing this with a sage burning candle in my apartment, I’m wishing that this new week brings me peace and relief. Nevertheless, hoping my adulting is to be continuously filled with freedom with…I beg….ease, and stress free vibes.
