I’ve been super inconsistent with my blogs this year living life, but also feeling super down or unmotivated. But I decided to finally write (not draft) and publish a blog about my own thoughts and why today. After all, it’s been a while and there’s nothing wrong with a little update.
EDIT: This blog just like 5 million others have been in the drafts for days to weeks. So there are current updates that I will get into for the future. But I thought to publish this to show more proof that life can get me too!
Megan Thee Stallion SNL
I believe earlier this month Megan release a website called Bad Bitches Have Bad days too. As you can see by the title of this blog, I was in support for this. I support therapy to the fullest and I have benefitted from it. If it were free to me, I would jump on it immediately.
Megan is no stranger to trauma. With the loss of her mother, being shot by Tory Lamez with many people trolling her, and going through backlash online, it’s hard to always be happy. And although I haven’t experienced her exact challenges, I felt like I wanted to cry when I saw her SNL performance “Anxiety”.
I wanted to ball seeing this performance and when she wanted to break out crying herself. This performance here was the catalyst of me writing today. I can relate to feeling at the top sometimes in terms of career, or anywhere else, but feeling like shit sometimes. And being expected to always perform when you feel like shit is…breaks you down.
The entertainment industry is really fucked up. I felt like shit working on the corporate end, I can only imagine how Meghan feels being in the actual spotlight.
Career Trauma
I left my position about a month ago as an executive assistant. Although I was free and happy to never return to those people ever again, I still get flashbacks of the shit that went down in this big company. Unpaid hours, shitty management, HR not giving a fuck, and a lack of understanding of being human. There’s more I can say, but these are the basis as to why I needed to leave. This post was another catalyst to this blog.
As soon as I read this, tears were triggered. And my emotions above ^^ were validated again. And although the internet can be fucked up, I will always love how there’s always someone or many people going through the same thing you are going through. The comments validated things even more and it made me happy to get out of that toxic place that was also pushing me and my spirit away regardless.
It’s messed up giving loyalty to someone or something only for them not to consider you a human. Let alone, I internalize things more because I’m use to code words, treatment, especially white people, and when they don’t consider my actual feelings. And with my friends kinda tip toeing on the same block with their current carriers, it’s depressing.
That Guy In The Last Blog,.. Done!
Lastly, I had to bring another heartbreak into this update blog. That guy I was so into last month, yeah he’s out (I know, quick!). People really do show their true colors especially when you’re going through shit. The old version of me would have gone into another blog rant and drag him. Who knows, I’m still open to the idea since I was used. Not to mention, I was described as a “baddie” by this guy. Wanted to throw that out hence the direct title.
But me right now, I’ve blew off most of the steam already to my friends. And even though there are shitty things about this guy and what he did to me that still, I may bring up later, I’ve been dealing with him differently. For instance, I have more healthy outlets, friends, family, distractions around me that help me move on and help me realize things I never once realized. And to be honest, it feels beautiful having people keep me from going insane.
And Yes I’m Bringing Race Into This
Because…. there was one twitter comment that really struck a nerve regarding the Megan SNL performance that I can certainly relate to:
I’ve sorta alluded to this in a past block of mine after a fall out, but I am so tired of being strong and there for others. I am so tired of not being able to depend on people. Now I said a few sentences ago that I have my friends and family. However, with the last two situations regarding my job and my recent break up, both times my loyalty meant nothing and…my feelings weren’t considered.
No mental/emotional check ins, just bad energy all around (on my life I said this to my friends). Even the same phrases were present in both my final few conversations with these people. This can happen to anyone of any race and I’m sure it has. But with these encounters being with white people, it honestly has left a bad taste in my mouth and I’m probably never going to be 100% comfortable around them except for the white dope friends I have now.
I guess I need to open up more about my corporate job and my last break up for all this to actually make sense. However, it’s the aspect of the moment I show a sign of “weakness” such as crying or being stressed, I’m no longer of value. I’m not allowed to have bad days. It’s the aspect of having your pain and emotion dismissed as a black woman and being in white spaces have really made that into a harsh reality.
What Now?
I can only hope that mistakes and things I’ve been through in the past don’t repeat. Unfortunately I’m always going to be haunted by the past. Additionally it changes my outlook on how I view relationships.
I do have an updated manifestation blog coming out that will give a bit more positivity back into this site..and a makeover eventually. And as I’m writing all this now (mind you everything above was written about a week ago), I feel calmer with venting and writing again. I have all these thoughts from time to time which you can say is trauma. But as cliche as this sounds, I still have immense hope things will be so emotionally fulfilling and uplifting, that past memories linger less and less.
