The last few weeks of 2021 was a bit healing for me. I was visiting NY for the holidays appreciating time with fam. I was recovering from my toxic workplace faisco. And although I feared blogging about this because reputation in Hollywood can get you blackballed, I said fuck it. Yes all middle pingers point to you HBO/Warner Media. They say NY people are mean to your face meanwhile LA people are mean behind your back and it’s true.
Me even writing this blog has me more on the fence because of NDAs and the fact that employees risk being fucked over if they trash talk workplaces 
. However, I got to let out some lessons 
With the Great Resignation proving how fed up everyone is of shitty treatment and wages, it felt great that I was one of the 4 million quitting. I hinted at the stress of it. Nevertheless, it felt amazing not feeling alone in being fucked over at work. It was both a sad but satisfying bonding with this fucked up reality we were in.
The Fakeness In Hollywood
Yes Hollywood is fake as fuck. End of discussion. There’s a reason why celebs have breakdowns every five seconds or why problematic celebs are protected. A big part is the grind in the industry that strips them of people of their freedom. Another reason is because of the lack of morals people have in the industry. Everyone wants the “tea”, the fame, the promotion and don’t care who they step on to achieve that benefit. I knew all of this going in Hollywood, but I never wanted to actually go through it. Who wants to actually go through abuse, exploitation, racism, and sacrifice themselves to a company that treats them as disposable?
After getting a taste of corporate bullshit and micro-agressions at my past role, I felt very low. In fact, it was the first time in my life I felt a bit off- had a bit of suicidal ideation. And thank goodness I have friends out here to support me mentally. However, one of my main reasoning for leaving NY was for this position. I wanted to do better for myself and be that successful and happy daughter my immigrant mother sacrificed so much for.
But there was a clear disconnect not only with my personal experiences, but just a lack of cultural awareness. Hollywood has so many players with big egos, entitlement, and lack of diversity which breeds for discrimination and people who think they are the shit, but are really are just shitty. Oh, I forgot to mention how pathetic HR can be.
My Breaking Point
There were so many “breaking points” that I went through. From the gossipy culture, passive aggressive insensitive comments, to working so many hours overtime, it was a shit show. I would have panic attacks everyday during my last few weeks I felt alone. There was no way I could trust anyone and I was also disposable, low, and dismissed with any thoughts I had. I was going crazy thinking, “okay they are right” maybe it’s just me, but shortly realized being gaslight is just one of the signs of a crappy workplace.
And the worse part about these jobs is that they are high in demand. Like who wouldn’t want to work for such a big company? Everyone is looking for their start in entertainment and I felt guilty for not being “strong enough” to deal with this shitty workplace. And leaving would make me look “unprofessional” or just give me “problematic” label if I were to interview elsewhere. I really considered quitting the entertainment industry because going through Hollywood and seeing the same old treatments/expectations to give up your personal life (with far less money too ) really had me fucked up. I felt so confident leaving the CW and now feel so defeated exiting HBO.
When it came to friends and exes, I had no fear of ending contact because not doing so would have given me stress. But considering I was working for execs and money was on the line, I risked a lot more taking the decision: my reputation. But then I realized, I don’t give a fuck about losing a job. I give a fuck about losing myself. And that position was one where I truly lost myself.
As A Result
I felt amazing walking away. As you can tell by my site, I haven’t been posting in a while. I’ve been cherishing my time, interviewing like crazy, and really just embracing my inner sloth 
.
I’m grateful that I could afford to quit and be good for months. In fact, it felt great to have an abundant amount saved up in preparation for times like these (money is power to a woman)! So much, that I do want to talk blogging and the pros/cons to quitting. In fact, there many blogs/updates I have to publish to get back into my groove. But for me quitting felt so empowering and it felt DAMN good just to exist again and have a break. I didn’t realize how much I loved me, my apartment, and just being at peace in this anti corporate world. It’s even made me dread to go back to work ever again.
Luckily, I do now have a job lined up. I’m grateful it was only about a month I was able to pick up something at another huge comp. Though it wasn’t easy (another blog as well), I will say the experience on my resume did help. Regardless, I’ve learned not too let a career define me and therefore I’ve decided to be more private about my endeavors including on my blog lol. Besides, I’m still scared either way of being unhappy and no amount of good money or the “grand name” can help with the work environment you are a part of. Nevertheless, I’m very close to calling it quits with the industry. I just want to feel out the company culture more before doing any type of bragging. Though, I do believe this new environment is much more positive.
Recovery
Unfortunately, I do have some PTSD after this experience. I am fortunately back in counseling for some guidance and I’ve been chatting with friends/family who support me dearly. But I’m still scared to get back into the workforce. I’m scared history will repeat and I will be working a job that sucks my soul out. In fact, it’s only been a month, but I enjoy my non working life. And now I re-enter corporate America.
So because of my fears, I had a future conversation with my employers about this traumatic experience. I never wanted to because it makes me look like the problematic one. But after hell, I wanted a sense of security or a sign that things will be different. And they were completely open, respectful, and on board with their no tolerance on discrimination and workplace shittiness. As a risk taker, I went from seeing this as a risk to more of a second chance in entertainment. I was really ready to throw in the towel for good, but I still have love for this crazy business. So I’m crossing fingers on this new blessing, but I won’t hesitant to walk away if things go left.
Being a POC especially a POC woman in Hollywood is tough and being in an industry that benefits off of exploitation is frightening. You realize how much people give up their individuality for a company or a business that’s not solving cancer or saving lives, but doesn’t give two shits about you. It’s a demoralizing feeling and it stings. But as much as these situations suck, they are all stories in the end and something that genuinely makes us stronger as a person. And this lesson, as much as I would never wish to go through it again, just gave me another more validation why “me” is so worthy of more.
Also, big shout out to this article which breaks the systemic practices of breaking into Hollywood and being built on bias. I couldn’t have written it any better.